Greetings, Humans!
A second cousin in Canada recently forwarded this alarming news article to me regarding etiquette if a bear shows up at your Thanksgiving dinner table.
I’ll save you time by summarizing – the (human) writer suggests eight tips for getting through this stressful dynamic during the holiday, which include:
Not eating honey. (“The quickest way to piss off a bear is to use the honey.”)
Avoiding eye contact. (“They simply don’t like being stared at, especially while they are trying to eat.)
Resisting talking politics. (“Bears don’t give a crap but this is just good advice in general.”)
Not praying too long. (“Bears are not only godless creatures, they are incredibly impatient.”)
It’s clear that the author has simply never met a bear. The most distressing part of the article was tip number seven, which begins as follows:
“Try to put the least desirable family members closest to the bear. Try to see this as a blessing in disguise. You have an opportunity to thin the family out and remove some of the members who nobody could really stand in the first place. They all taste the same to a bear.”
There are so many things wrong with this, I’m not sure where to start. But, at minimum, I must say that not all humans… er, flavors… taste the same to bear.
To combat this misinformation and fake news, our Bear family has decided to open our Thanksgiving table to a small handful of humans. On November 17 and 18, both Osa and I will be hosting a special menu inspired by our family Thanksgiving traditions.
Join us for three holiday courses, the piece de resistance being Turducken Roulade with sides like Truffled Green Bean Casserole with wild mushrooms and crispy onions, Roasted Honey Nut Squash with pomegranate and cinnamon yogurt, Roasted root vegetables with red onion, thyme, and date syrup, as well as our family recipe for Sausage Stuffing.
Bears, of course, will be present at this dinner, and we hope to show you what it’s really like when ursine show up at the holiday table: warm hospitality, new friends, and culinary delights.
See you then,
Bear